Steelers, Super Bowl, and Saul

The Pittsburgh Steelers won the AFC Championship and are headed to the Super Bowl. That means the local news will start each broadcast, no longer with the weather report -- (Is there any other city in the United States where the weather leads off all news broadcasts regardless of the season?) -- but with how the fans of "Steeler Nation" are reacting. Now, for those of you not familiar with Pittsburgh, the city is basically in bankruptcy. A State Appointed Oversight Board was given authority over all City Council and Mayoral decisions because the City Government (composed solely of Democrats) has delivered on its promises to the special interest groups - basically, the local unions and political machines. The mayor, who is 28 years old, has been embroiled in scandal since taking office (due to the death of the previously elected mayor). His business acumen, that will hopefully lead this City out of its financial dismay, is so great that he has been focusing his attention on his name: a political stunt, pretending to change it prior to the AFC Championship Game, from "Raven"-Stahl to "Steeler"-Stahl. Brilliant!

Even more comical, however, are the news reports featuring crazed Steeler fans. Although all economic factors indicate a harsh recession, Pittsburgh must be immune. These people have no problem paying for the $75 (plus 7% in Pittsburgh taxes) Ben Roethlisberger Replica Team Color Jersey or the $125 (on sale now at Dick's) Reebok Pittsburgh Steelers Immaculate Reception Jacket. Moreover, they take credit for the victories: "We won! Whoo! Let's go to pee on Carson Street!" While less than 10% of the Steelers reside in Pittsburgh, the fans think otherwise -- "Hines is a good local boy." (Hey, Eienstein. Hines lives in Georgia.)

Of course, there is my buddy Saul. He says that he is happy that the Steelers have won because it gives him an excuse to watch the morning news without being harassed by his wife. You see, Saul has a crush on a news anchor -- in order to avoid litigation, let's call her Honey Ciabatta. Because, for the next two weeks, all of the local news casts will be exclusively focused upon the Steelers (ignoring other newsworthy facts, such as Pittsburgh's homicide rate increasing to historic levels in 2008, or emigration leaving Pittsburgh behind Toledo in current population), Saul will no longer have to justify to his wife his incessant curiosity about whether Honey is still dating a Penguin.

The Beginning....

New Year's Resolution: To Vent My Pent Up Frustrations.

After 40 years on this planet, I have decided to let others into my dour world of hatred for hypocrisy and perennial pet peeves. Let me start with this guy in our office. To prevent any unnecessary litigation, let's call him Saul. First, as you can see from this artist's rendition, Saul is fat, ugly and likes Penn State. Saul does not like being fat. He is constantly on and off the Atkins Diet; often overheard saying, "I lost 3 pounds this week," then the following week, "I had carbs over the weekend, but that's ok, because it will boost my metabolism." And Saul wonders why he remains fat. Moreover, Saul takes every type of dietary supplement offered by GNC. In my opinion, Saul is fat because he was born that way. He should accept it and move on.

You will also notice that Saul has "sleepy eyes." That's because he doesn't sleep. Saul enjoys working. Although I do commend his work ethic, Saul's family suffers from his inattention. While most of us accept a few hours of overtime in order to make the 6 figure salary and provide the monetary reward to our families in the form of high priced vehicles, weekend excursions and, perhaps, an occassional meal at Morton's, Saul does not. He craves the work hours, despite being a contractor and receiving the same pay regardless of hours worked. He will work Saturdays, Sundays, and evenings until ten o'clock. You will hear Saul rhetorically ask, "If I don't do the work, then who will?" Here's your answer Saul: the guy who will replace you when you are either divorced or dead. Good Lord already -- take some time off, go on a nice family vacation, spend quality time with your girls, get some sleep, and buy a nice, new car for your wife (GM is practically giving them away)!

Finally, Saul adores Penn State. No, he never attended. He dropped out of some small business college because -- well -- he liked to work. (He'll give you some heart sob story about his father being laid off and how the family needed the income. But, in passing, he'll tell you how his dad received a large steelworker's pension.) However, I digress...The majority of Saul's wardrobe is dedicated to his dream alma mater, as are his car's bumper stickers, desk calendar and office shrine to Joe Paterno. You will hear a lot more of Saul in the Blogs to come. In fact, he is the main reason that I decided to start writing.

SAUL PET PEEVE NUMBER ONE: Pimping the Girl Scout Cookies in the Office.

Although Saul is a contractor in our office, so are the other individuals who report to him. (No, I do not.) This year, instead of going cube-to-cube pimping his daughters' Girl Scout Cookies, he decided to post the Order Sheet in the Break Room. Feeling obliged, all of his direct reports have ordered at least one box. Perhaps Saul should instill his work ethic on his children and have them go door-to-door to sell these annual annoyances instead of pressurizing his work team to buy them.

SAUL PET PEEVE NUMBER TWO: His Back Problems.

All of us have issues. Saul, however, has many. A recurring one is his sciatica. Saul claims to have had back problems all of his life. (He began stocking grocery shelves at 14. He pimped Agway for a while. He performed manual labor for several years. He delivered newspapers well into his thirties. However, for the past ten years, Saul sits in front of a computer.) Saul will tell you about his slipped disc from 1993. He will tell you about his intense back pain. And, if Saul takes time to go to the doctor's office, he comes back with a sob story -- "I need an MRI. The doctor won't prescribe Vicodin. I need nerve therapy. The physician violated my rear end!" When you ask him when he will go get his MRI, he responds, "I don't have time."

The reason I disagree with the Discovery Channel programs that want you to believe that nature (mainly the rain forest) contains miracle cures is, that despite all of the homeopathic pills that Saul pops, he still has a bad back.