The Beginning....

New Year's Resolution: To Vent My Pent Up Frustrations.

After 40 years on this planet, I have decided to let others into my dour world of hatred for hypocrisy and perennial pet peeves. Let me start with this guy in our office. To prevent any unnecessary litigation, let's call him Saul. First, as you can see from this artist's rendition, Saul is fat, ugly and likes Penn State. Saul does not like being fat. He is constantly on and off the Atkins Diet; often overheard saying, "I lost 3 pounds this week," then the following week, "I had carbs over the weekend, but that's ok, because it will boost my metabolism." And Saul wonders why he remains fat. Moreover, Saul takes every type of dietary supplement offered by GNC. In my opinion, Saul is fat because he was born that way. He should accept it and move on.

You will also notice that Saul has "sleepy eyes." That's because he doesn't sleep. Saul enjoys working. Although I do commend his work ethic, Saul's family suffers from his inattention. While most of us accept a few hours of overtime in order to make the 6 figure salary and provide the monetary reward to our families in the form of high priced vehicles, weekend excursions and, perhaps, an occassional meal at Morton's, Saul does not. He craves the work hours, despite being a contractor and receiving the same pay regardless of hours worked. He will work Saturdays, Sundays, and evenings until ten o'clock. You will hear Saul rhetorically ask, "If I don't do the work, then who will?" Here's your answer Saul: the guy who will replace you when you are either divorced or dead. Good Lord already -- take some time off, go on a nice family vacation, spend quality time with your girls, get some sleep, and buy a nice, new car for your wife (GM is practically giving them away)!

Finally, Saul adores Penn State. No, he never attended. He dropped out of some small business college because -- well -- he liked to work. (He'll give you some heart sob story about his father being laid off and how the family needed the income. But, in passing, he'll tell you how his dad received a large steelworker's pension.) However, I digress...The majority of Saul's wardrobe is dedicated to his dream alma mater, as are his car's bumper stickers, desk calendar and office shrine to Joe Paterno. You will hear a lot more of Saul in the Blogs to come. In fact, he is the main reason that I decided to start writing.

SAUL PET PEEVE NUMBER ONE: Pimping the Girl Scout Cookies in the Office.

Although Saul is a contractor in our office, so are the other individuals who report to him. (No, I do not.) This year, instead of going cube-to-cube pimping his daughters' Girl Scout Cookies, he decided to post the Order Sheet in the Break Room. Feeling obliged, all of his direct reports have ordered at least one box. Perhaps Saul should instill his work ethic on his children and have them go door-to-door to sell these annual annoyances instead of pressurizing his work team to buy them.

SAUL PET PEEVE NUMBER TWO: His Back Problems.

All of us have issues. Saul, however, has many. A recurring one is his sciatica. Saul claims to have had back problems all of his life. (He began stocking grocery shelves at 14. He pimped Agway for a while. He performed manual labor for several years. He delivered newspapers well into his thirties. However, for the past ten years, Saul sits in front of a computer.) Saul will tell you about his slipped disc from 1993. He will tell you about his intense back pain. And, if Saul takes time to go to the doctor's office, he comes back with a sob story -- "I need an MRI. The doctor won't prescribe Vicodin. I need nerve therapy. The physician violated my rear end!" When you ask him when he will go get his MRI, he responds, "I don't have time."

The reason I disagree with the Discovery Channel programs that want you to believe that nature (mainly the rain forest) contains miracle cures is, that despite all of the homeopathic pills that Saul pops, he still has a bad back.