1. Carry On Luggage – Saul refuses to check his bags. He stuffs his duffle bag to the breaking point, and, because of his sciatica, requires a flight attendant or another passenger to assist placing it into the overhead bin. Saul also fails to remove his laptop case from his shoulder before boarding, insisting on swinging left, then right, then left, then right again to look for his seat, thwacking anyone seated nearby in the face. My favorite was when I traveled with Saul on a recent business trip to Baltimore: he put his roller suitcase in the bin sideways, then put his laptop flat next to it, and next to that he sloooooowly folded his suit jacket and put it in. I took great joy in doing a one-armed sweep in the bin and shoving my bag right on top of his pristinely folded suit jacket.
2. Seat Poaching and Seat Bleeding -- You’ve seen them. You’ve been inconvenienced by them. They are Seat Poachers. Saul is an expert at it. Although all airline companies provide you with the opportunity to either pick your own seat online or print your boarding pass at home, Saul refuses to do so. His routine: After being refused a complimentary upgrade to First Class, he waits for the cabin door to close, then attentively scans the business class section for a vacant seat. Without asking permission, he reseats himself. Now, I pay the extra twenty bucks for the business class upgrade -- more legroom, even though I prefer a window. Within minutes of the cabin door closure, Saul poached himself the middle seat next to me. I just wasted $20. Additionally, as you are aware, Saul is fat. When he flies, he is the guy who asks for the seatbelt extender. Then he bleeds into your seat, with his eczema encrusted elbows scratching your forearm and his love handles jiggling like jelly against your side. On this occasion, despite his squatter right attempts to suck in his obesity, I could see the weariness in his sleepy eyes. I finally told him to “Let it all go,” and, regrettably, we spent the rest of the flight spooning.
3. Listen to the Flight Attendants – Frequent Fliers, such has me, tend to tone out the flight attendants’ pre-flight instructions. My wife, who does not fly much, intently listens to every word. She once joked about the oxygen mask disclaimer: “Breathe normally? If I am in a situation where the oxygen mask drops in front of me, I will probably be peeing my pants. And you want me to breathe normally?” Saul, on the other hand, is the guy who talks on his mobile phone while on board, despite the ecumenical announcement to turn off all electronic devices and to listen to the flight attendants’ instructions. Saul thinks he is important, and that business life cannot survive the time that he will be away from the office. His conversations are loud, annoying and braggadocios. Of course he knows that people cannot avoid listening. The dialogue is always the same -- insisting that the executive assistance e-mail to him a Power Point presentation that he forgot to download. Hey, Saul – You’re not that important. In fact, you’re a twat. Turn off the cell phone and listen to the flight attendants. If I trip on your “Carry On” that is not properly stored under the seat in front of you or have to wait for you to remember that your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device, I am going to kill you if I survive the crash simply for the extra minutes of panic that you would cause me.
4. Personal Behavior and Bathroom Trips -- Certain personal behavior should be done in the privacy of your own home and not in public. Picking or excavating anything while in your seat should be punishable by death. That includes clipping nails, picking anything (zits, scabs, nose), and using a Pepsi bottle to expectorate your chewing tobacco. Furthermore, loud personal noises, usually mucous related, are disgusting. Blow your nose already so I don’t have to suffer through a snort every minute or so. Also, the seat cushion is not a fart sponge. In this day and age, when you have to arrive at the airport several hours before a flight and sit around the waiting area for half of that time, why, oh why, must people use the bathroom on the plane. On my one hour flight from Denver to Fresno, seated in the back of an Embraer 175 E-Jet next to the lavatory, and despite the seat belt sign being constantly lit during the turbulent flight, more than half of the passengers decided to use the bathroom, with half of them refusing to properly close the door when they were finished. The stench was unbecoming. Then there was the flight from Pittsburgh to Nashville -- not only did I have Saul bleeding into my personal space, with his IPod volume turned up to 10, providing me with excruciatingly painful tidbits of Lady GaGa’s Poker Face, this asshole refused to give me the window seat that he poached. Then he had to pee every ten minutes, making me get up and down from my seat. And I had even greater sympathy for the person seated in front of him. Each time Saul had to use the bathroom, he pulled himself up by yanking on the seat in front of him, catapulting the poor lady into First Class. And his pee excursions always seemed to happen when the beverage cart was in the aisle, causing him to sit on my armrest until the flight attendants were able to move the cart.
5. Deplaning – The plane lands. The seatbelt sign is still turned on. BUT, Saul decides it is time to get up and thinks it okay for him to get his bag. Yes, he is one of the idiots that are seated in the back and stand up, hunched over, waiting the ten minutes for the other passengers to disembark. Sit down already and be patient. Your primary concern at this moment should be thanking God that you arrived safely.
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